Celebrity Dirty Laundry- Round 1

Yes, it’s true.  I enjoy some celebrity gossip now and then.  You can blame it on the stay-at-home mom stereotype that I just sit at home on my butt all day and watch soap operas and eat bon-bons.  Whatever makes you feel good. 

But, you and I both know the truth.  You also love celebrity gossip.  So grab your iPhone, run to the bathroom, lock the door (yes, those horrible children will bang but you will be laughing too hard to care), and join me in a little celebrity gossip roundup. 

1.             Snooki is enjoying pregnancy!  Snooki (if I have to tell you who she is, then you need to SERIOUSLY watch more television) recently was interviewed in “In Touch Magazine” about her pregnancy.  She admitted to gaining 15 pounds so far (which really means 20-25, because we all know that we lie) and was quoted saying “[My boobs are] huge!  I heard that breast-feeding hurts, but it will help me bounce right back… The baby weight will just drop off!”

Poor Snooki, she has no friends.  It is obvious that every one of her friends hates her guts.  Well Snooki, if you happen to come across this pathetic blog let me be 100% honest with you: breast feeding does not make the weight just drop off!  If that was true I would be a size 2.  But I’m not.  So I’m saying that this is pure B.S.  However, what it will help you to achieve is tube sock boob status.  Yes, your breasts will resemble a pair of tube socks that have a tennis ball inside of them hanging all the way down to your belly button.

I would recommend that if you decide to breast feed that little orange guido that you are carrying in that 20-25 pound heavier belly, that you also start checking origami books out at the library.  Because after you stop and your breasts become huge yet oddly empty, you will need to know origami in order to put them into a bra.  I prefer to make them into puppy shapes, but I heard that swans are also a very popular choice.

2.             Britney Spears found a job!  I’m proud to announce that Britney Spears is no longer unemployed like the other 72% of America.  She recently signed a deal to become a judge on some reality singing show called “X Factor”.  I can’t explain the show to you because I don’t watch reality singing shows (besides “The Voice”, but that is purely because of my sick twisted dreams of a Blake/Adam sandwich), however, it doesn’t really matter what the show is about.  All we care about is that Britney Spears is back on television, without lip-syncing. 

The bad part:  Rumor has it that the set has banned all razors and umbrellas.   

The good part:  It’s Britney… bitch.

The “Oops, you could have guessed” part:  During the very first day of taping, she walked off the set looking very distressed and missed at least four auditions. 

None of this surprises me, the girl with obvious mental problems who still has a conservator making decisions for her shouldn’t be allowed on television.  Now, putting all that stuff aside the real question I have for you is… do you think she has learned to wear underwear?   If not, I hope this isn’t live television.  I am still trying to get over the last time I decided to actually click on the Britney photos that said “click here for uncensored pictures”.  Not okay. 

3.             Amanda Bynes is still drunk.  Do you even know who she is?  Me either.  But it seems like every other week I see some report about her getting a DUI, hitting some car, or falling down drunk outside a nightclub.  Come to think of it, I hear those same stories for Paris Hilton (pre-everyone forgot who she was), Brittney Spears (pre-Conservatorship), and Lindsey Lohan (pre-nothing since she is still a hot mess). 

I don’t really have any insider information about Amanda, since I’ve already admitted to not knowing who she is.  But it truly breaks my heart to hear that someone so young has already thrown their life away.  I would suggest she drives her drunk ass straight to Promises and tries to avoid hitting any police cars along the way.  If she doesn’t take the advice, I have a feeling she is going to make the “Top 10” celebrities picked for the 2013 Death Watch.

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So to all of you reading this blog, which last time I checked was about 4 people, I hope you enjoy celebrity gossip (even if you don’t admit to it)… because I do.  I’m hoping to post a run down with the Top 5 stories of each week.  This week only got 3 stories because… I’m tired.  I would blame it on the fact that I’m a mom (hence the title of this blog referring to the fact that I clean dirty underwear all day long), but it’s actually because I’ve been up watching “Sons of Anarchy” on Netflix.  How have I gone this long without watching Peg Bundy kick ass with a biker gang?  My life is starting to feel complete now that I am almost finished with Season 3. 

Good night blog world.  Good night wonderful 4 people who just wasted their time reading my rambles.  Good night children who better not wake up before 9am tomorrow morning.  Good night husband who better wake up at 6am when the kids don’t listen to me and get up early anyways.  Good night single grey hair I found this morning and quickly pulled out and threw away.  Good night 20 pounds of baby fat I need to lose before June 1^st… and it’s May 28^th.

Good night!