Sunday, May 27, 2012


The first time I found out I was pregnant; I laid my hands on my stomach, closed my eyes and pictured my life as a mom to the most amazing child that had ever walked the earth.  When they handed me my son for the first time (in between the vomiting episodes) I looked at him with amazement, he was perfect.
Six years later, my ideas have changed.  I don’t see a baby and think of giggles, rattles, and snuggly blankets.  I see poop diapers that leak out the sides and up the top, attention needing individuals who start to scream bloody murder at just the simple start of lowering them into their crib or to the floor, and of course I see teeth… teeth that can cause blood to drip from your nipples which then brings tears to your eyes and smiles to their faces.  They are animals.
So now that reality is starting to kick in, I wonder if I should put away the fairy tale stories and start reading my kids books that may actually come in handy when they grow up:  criminal law books.
Too harsh?  Well, on the early morning show last year I remember watching some mom who just “knew” her two year old son was gay.  She could just feel it.  So, as parents can our intuition help us to decide while their young to either save for their college funds or their lawyer fees?
Not every child will become the next Mark Zuckerbery or Wayne Gretzkey.  They might end up being the next Unabomer or Charles Manson.  Bail bondsmen need to start “Bail Savings Plan for Kids”.  I can already see the advertisement:
Do you often find your son hiding behind the house smoking bubble gum cigarettes and sticker tattooing the neighborhood kids?  Does your daughter insist on wearing miniskirts to kindergarten with high heels and no underwear?  Then we have the perfect savings plan for you!
So, I ask you:  will your child be getting their three meals a day cooked by a maid or a jail inmate?  
The jury is still out on my boys, but I’m keeping a close eye on the little one… he’s a little shifty.

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