50/50

The first time I found out I was pregnant; I laid my hands on my stomach, closed my eyes and pictured my life as a mom to the most amazing child that had ever walked the earth.  When they handed me my son for the first time (in between the vomiting episodes) I looked at him with amazement, he was perfect.

Six years later, my ideas have changed.  I don’t see a baby and think of giggles, rattles, and snuggly blankets.  I see poop diapers that leak out the sides and up the top, attention needing individuals who start to scream bloody murder at just the simple start of lowering them into their crib or to the floor, and of course I see teeth… teeth that can cause blood to drip from your nipples which then brings tears to your eyes and smiles to their faces.  They are animals.

So now that reality is starting to kick in, I wonder if I should put away the fairy tale stories and start reading my kids books that may actually come in handy when they grow up:  criminal law books.

Too harsh?  Well, on the early morning show last year I remember watching some mom who just “knew” her two year old son was gay.  She could just feel it.  So, as parents can our intuition help us to decide while their young to either save for their college funds or their lawyer fees?

Not every child will become the next Mark Zuckerbery or Wayne Gretzkey.  They might end up being the next Unabomer or Charles Manson.  Bail bondsmen need to start “Bail Savings Plan for Kids”.  I can already see the advertisement:

Do you often find your son hiding behind the house smoking bubble gum cigarettes and sticker tattooing the neighborhood kids?  Does your daughter insist on wearing miniskirts to kindergarten with high heels and no underwear?  Then we have the perfect savings plan for you!

So, I ask you:  will your child be getting their three meals a day cooked by a maid or a jail inmate?  

The jury is still out on my boys, but I’m keeping a close eye on the little one… he’s a little shifty.

Cracker Jacks

I use to love eating Cracker Jacks.  It had nothing to do with the nasty caramel popcorn that nearly broke my teeth on a few occasions, but more to do with the thought that I was going to get a surprise.  Yes, the lame sticker or plastic ring that I would get at the very bottom of the box kept me coming back for more.  I loved the surprise.

Sometimes as a mom, I find that my kids are very much like a bunch of Cracker Jacks!  They are horrible nasty tasting caramel popcorn that ruin my teeth, but right before I want to toss them out… they surprise me. 

I can admit to being a “judger” before having my own kids.  I would see some child throwing a tantrum at the store and I would think to myself that when I had children they would NEVER act that way.  My imaginary kids were going to be perfect. 

The kids I ended up with do not match up with my old visions.  They don’t always listen, they fight and scream, and sometimes they even make me cry.  But right about when I’ve about given up and started to look in my garage for a suitcase, they do something or say something or smile and they end up melting my heart. 

So this morning as I woke up to my kids screaming at each other, my baby screaming from his crib with the smell of his dirty diaper hitting me from ten feet away, my house a mess, the laundry piled up, the husband working another weekend, and my only place to retreat to (the bathroom) got my butt soaked with pee (I hate having a house full of outies sometimes)… I tried to remember that there was going to be a nice surprise soon. 

So here I wait.  Waiting for my nice surprise.  I hope it hurries up.  I need it very bad!

R.I.P.

I didn’t want to get out of bed today.  I knew that when I finally got around to putting clothes on my dirty body (since I’m a mom and never get to shower) I would be pulling out my black yoga pants and black shirt.  I’m in mourning.

Last night before falling asleep to the sound of my husband snoring, I shed a few tears.  Then those tears turned into that ugly cry thing where snot starts to flow heavily down into your mouth but you don’t care because you are too busy trying to catch your breath.

I didn’t eat the leftover cereal my kids wasted before dumping down the sink.  I didn’t lock myself in the bathroom with my cell phone to catch up on some Words with Friends during a typical morning fight between two brothers.  I didn’t even pick up the phone to call my best friend and exchange stories on how our kids were driving us closer to pulling a Thelma & Louise. 

I eventually opened up my laptop, hiding in the laundry room so that no one would see what I was doing.  I went to Mr. Google and searched for local Catholic Churches.  I needed to find a priest.  I needed to find a priest ASAP. 

As I picked up the phone and dialed the number I knew that this phone call would probably be one of the hardest I’ve ever made.  But it needed to be done.  I needed to pull myself together and do it.

Sadly the Priest was no help.  I guess the Catholic Church has condemned exorcisms for years now.  Who knew?  Obviously not Hollywood and the writer of a movie I recently watched; jerk. 

So now, what is left for me to do?  I have a four year old who was once a wonderful, sweet, adorable, nice, just plain fun to be around kid.  But the demons have taken over his body.  They reached in and have taken his soul.  I need it back!  Someone please bring my son back.

Until then, I am living with a demon child… a demon four year old child.  Motherhood can have some pretty crappy moments. 

Talking about crappy- my four year old demon decided to stop using the toilet.  I’m now off to clean out his underpants.  The life of a living breathing…  Laundromat. 

Who I Am

There is a quote that I keep in my family room, it is meant as a daily reminder to my children.  However, I have recently realized that it was more of reminder for me than for them.

“Remember who you are and what you stand for.”

Sounds like a good plan, right?  Can’t be too hard to do, right? 

WRONG!

There was the person I was while growing up as a small child, the person I became once I moved out and experienced life as a young adult, and the person that I am now as a wife and a mom.  Life has thrown me many curveballs.  And though I love the life I have, I often find myself struggling.  I am constantly trying to wrap my head around the idea that I am now a wife, a mom, a person who washes underpants all day long.

Sometimes I lose myself in the trivial things that occupy my life, which then leaves me forgetting my true self and what I stand for.

No one wants a mouthy mom.  But here, in blog world, I’m able to have an opinion.  I’m able to be myself. 

I’m looking forward to the journey!