Celebrity Dirty Laundry- Round 1

Yes, it’s true.  I enjoy some celebrity gossip now and then.  You can blame it on the stay-at-home mom stereotype that I just sit at home on my butt all day and watch soap operas and eat bon-bons.  Whatever makes you feel good. 

But, you and I both know the truth.  You also love celebrity gossip.  So grab your iPhone, run to the bathroom, lock the door (yes, those horrible children will bang but you will be laughing too hard to care), and join me in a little celebrity gossip roundup. 

1.             Snooki is enjoying pregnancy!  Snooki (if I have to tell you who she is, then you need to SERIOUSLY watch more television) recently was interviewed in “In Touch Magazine” about her pregnancy.  She admitted to gaining 15 pounds so far (which really means 20-25, because we all know that we lie) and was quoted saying “[My boobs are] huge!  I heard that breast-feeding hurts, but it will help me bounce right back… The baby weight will just drop off!”

Poor Snooki, she has no friends.  It is obvious that every one of her friends hates her guts.  Well Snooki, if you happen to come across this pathetic blog let me be 100% honest with you: breast feeding does not make the weight just drop off!  If that was true I would be a size 2.  But I’m not.  So I’m saying that this is pure B.S.  However, what it will help you to achieve is tube sock boob status.  Yes, your breasts will resemble a pair of tube socks that have a tennis ball inside of them hanging all the way down to your belly button.

I would recommend that if you decide to breast feed that little orange guido that you are carrying in that 20-25 pound heavier belly, that you also start checking origami books out at the library.  Because after you stop and your breasts become huge yet oddly empty, you will need to know origami in order to put them into a bra.  I prefer to make them into puppy shapes, but I heard that swans are also a very popular choice.

2.             Britney Spears found a job!  I’m proud to announce that Britney Spears is no longer unemployed like the other 72% of America.  She recently signed a deal to become a judge on some reality singing show called “X Factor”.  I can’t explain the show to you because I don’t watch reality singing shows (besides “The Voice”, but that is purely because of my sick twisted dreams of a Blake/Adam sandwich), however, it doesn’t really matter what the show is about.  All we care about is that Britney Spears is back on television, without lip-syncing. 

The bad part:  Rumor has it that the set has banned all razors and umbrellas.   

The good part:  It’s Britney… bitch.

The “Oops, you could have guessed” part:  During the very first day of taping, she walked off the set looking very distressed and missed at least four auditions. 

None of this surprises me, the girl with obvious mental problems who still has a conservator making decisions for her shouldn’t be allowed on television.  Now, putting all that stuff aside the real question I have for you is… do you think she has learned to wear underwear?   If not, I hope this isn’t live television.  I am still trying to get over the last time I decided to actually click on the Britney photos that said “click here for uncensored pictures”.  Not okay. 

3.             Amanda Bynes is still drunk.  Do you even know who she is?  Me either.  But it seems like every other week I see some report about her getting a DUI, hitting some car, or falling down drunk outside a nightclub.  Come to think of it, I hear those same stories for Paris Hilton (pre-everyone forgot who she was), Brittney Spears (pre-Conservatorship), and Lindsey Lohan (pre-nothing since she is still a hot mess). 

I don’t really have any insider information about Amanda, since I’ve already admitted to not knowing who she is.  But it truly breaks my heart to hear that someone so young has already thrown their life away.  I would suggest she drives her drunk ass straight to Promises and tries to avoid hitting any police cars along the way.  If she doesn’t take the advice, I have a feeling she is going to make the “Top 10” celebrities picked for the 2013 Death Watch.

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So to all of you reading this blog, which last time I checked was about 4 people, I hope you enjoy celebrity gossip (even if you don’t admit to it)… because I do.  I’m hoping to post a run down with the Top 5 stories of each week.  This week only got 3 stories because… I’m tired.  I would blame it on the fact that I’m a mom (hence the title of this blog referring to the fact that I clean dirty underwear all day long), but it’s actually because I’ve been up watching “Sons of Anarchy” on Netflix.  How have I gone this long without watching Peg Bundy kick ass with a biker gang?  My life is starting to feel complete now that I am almost finished with Season 3. 

Good night blog world.  Good night wonderful 4 people who just wasted their time reading my rambles.  Good night children who better not wake up before 9am tomorrow morning.  Good night husband who better wake up at 6am when the kids don’t listen to me and get up early anyways.  Good night single grey hair I found this morning and quickly pulled out and threw away.  Good night 20 pounds of baby fat I need to lose before June 1^st… and it’s May 28^th.

Good night!

50/50

The first time I found out I was pregnant; I laid my hands on my stomach, closed my eyes and pictured my life as a mom to the most amazing child that had ever walked the earth.  When they handed me my son for the first time (in between the vomiting episodes) I looked at him with amazement, he was perfect.

Six years later, my ideas have changed.  I don’t see a baby and think of giggles, rattles, and snuggly blankets.  I see poop diapers that leak out the sides and up the top, attention needing individuals who start to scream bloody murder at just the simple start of lowering them into their crib or to the floor, and of course I see teeth… teeth that can cause blood to drip from your nipples which then brings tears to your eyes and smiles to their faces.  They are animals.

So now that reality is starting to kick in, I wonder if I should put away the fairy tale stories and start reading my kids books that may actually come in handy when they grow up:  criminal law books.

Too harsh?  Well, on the early morning show last year I remember watching some mom who just “knew” her two year old son was gay.  She could just feel it.  So, as parents can our intuition help us to decide while their young to either save for their college funds or their lawyer fees?

Not every child will become the next Mark Zuckerbery or Wayne Gretzkey.  They might end up being the next Unabomer or Charles Manson.  Bail bondsmen need to start “Bail Savings Plan for Kids”.  I can already see the advertisement:

Do you often find your son hiding behind the house smoking bubble gum cigarettes and sticker tattooing the neighborhood kids?  Does your daughter insist on wearing miniskirts to kindergarten with high heels and no underwear?  Then we have the perfect savings plan for you!

So, I ask you:  will your child be getting their three meals a day cooked by a maid or a jail inmate?  

The jury is still out on my boys, but I’m keeping a close eye on the little one… he’s a little shifty.

Cracker Jacks

I use to love eating Cracker Jacks.  It had nothing to do with the nasty caramel popcorn that nearly broke my teeth on a few occasions, but more to do with the thought that I was going to get a surprise.  Yes, the lame sticker or plastic ring that I would get at the very bottom of the box kept me coming back for more.  I loved the surprise.

Sometimes as a mom, I find that my kids are very much like a bunch of Cracker Jacks!  They are horrible nasty tasting caramel popcorn that ruin my teeth, but right before I want to toss them out… they surprise me. 

I can admit to being a “judger” before having my own kids.  I would see some child throwing a tantrum at the store and I would think to myself that when I had children they would NEVER act that way.  My imaginary kids were going to be perfect. 

The kids I ended up with do not match up with my old visions.  They don’t always listen, they fight and scream, and sometimes they even make me cry.  But right about when I’ve about given up and started to look in my garage for a suitcase, they do something or say something or smile and they end up melting my heart. 

So this morning as I woke up to my kids screaming at each other, my baby screaming from his crib with the smell of his dirty diaper hitting me from ten feet away, my house a mess, the laundry piled up, the husband working another weekend, and my only place to retreat to (the bathroom) got my butt soaked with pee (I hate having a house full of outies sometimes)… I tried to remember that there was going to be a nice surprise soon. 

So here I wait.  Waiting for my nice surprise.  I hope it hurries up.  I need it very bad!

R.I.P.

I didn’t want to get out of bed today.  I knew that when I finally got around to putting clothes on my dirty body (since I’m a mom and never get to shower) I would be pulling out my black yoga pants and black shirt.  I’m in mourning.

Last night before falling asleep to the sound of my husband snoring, I shed a few tears.  Then those tears turned into that ugly cry thing where snot starts to flow heavily down into your mouth but you don’t care because you are too busy trying to catch your breath.

I didn’t eat the leftover cereal my kids wasted before dumping down the sink.  I didn’t lock myself in the bathroom with my cell phone to catch up on some Words with Friends during a typical morning fight between two brothers.  I didn’t even pick up the phone to call my best friend and exchange stories on how our kids were driving us closer to pulling a Thelma & Louise. 

I eventually opened up my laptop, hiding in the laundry room so that no one would see what I was doing.  I went to Mr. Google and searched for local Catholic Churches.  I needed to find a priest.  I needed to find a priest ASAP. 

As I picked up the phone and dialed the number I knew that this phone call would probably be one of the hardest I’ve ever made.  But it needed to be done.  I needed to pull myself together and do it.

Sadly the Priest was no help.  I guess the Catholic Church has condemned exorcisms for years now.  Who knew?  Obviously not Hollywood and the writer of a movie I recently watched; jerk. 

So now, what is left for me to do?  I have a four year old who was once a wonderful, sweet, adorable, nice, just plain fun to be around kid.  But the demons have taken over his body.  They reached in and have taken his soul.  I need it back!  Someone please bring my son back.

Until then, I am living with a demon child… a demon four year old child.  Motherhood can have some pretty crappy moments. 

Talking about crappy- my four year old demon decided to stop using the toilet.  I’m now off to clean out his underpants.  The life of a living breathing…  Laundromat. 

Who I Am

There is a quote that I keep in my family room, it is meant as a daily reminder to my children.  However, I have recently realized that it was more of reminder for me than for them.

“Remember who you are and what you stand for.”

Sounds like a good plan, right?  Can’t be too hard to do, right? 

WRONG!

There was the person I was while growing up as a small child, the person I became once I moved out and experienced life as a young adult, and the person that I am now as a wife and a mom.  Life has thrown me many curveballs.  And though I love the life I have, I often find myself struggling.  I am constantly trying to wrap my head around the idea that I am now a wife, a mom, a person who washes underpants all day long.

Sometimes I lose myself in the trivial things that occupy my life, which then leaves me forgetting my true self and what I stand for.

No one wants a mouthy mom.  But here, in blog world, I’m able to have an opinion.  I’m able to be myself. 

I’m looking forward to the journey!